Wednesday 24 December 2014

five stages

When you’re a child, Christmas is a time of joy and excitement.  The only thing you have to worry about is forcing yourself to fall asleep on Christmas Eve so that Santa can successfully sneak into your house and leave you some gifts under the tree.  When you’re an adult, however, Christmas turns into a season of anxiety and burden.  You’re forced to visit people you don’t want to; you have to spend money you don’t have to get presents for people you don’t like; and you look forward to your last day of work only to spend your holidays without sleep or relaxation of any kind.

These are the five stages of Christmas that almost every adult experiences each year.

Annoyance
Christmas decorations start showing up in stores even before Halloween is over.  It just reminds us that the season of stress is just a couple of short months away.  Once the Christmas music starts playing over shopping mall speakers in early November, our irritation becomes even more prominent.  We know why stores do this – it’s because the Christmas season is when they make the most money, so why wouldn’t they want to start as early as possible?  Doesn’t mean I’m going to like it.

Denial
Once the Christmas music starts playing everywhere and bigger sections of stores start filling up with Christmas toys and treats, it may seem like it’s time to start your Christmas shopping.  But, we know better.  So what if there’s only 21 shopping days left until Christmas?  That gives me loooads of time!  There’s no reason to start spending yet.  Christmas is still a long ways away.

Panic
Okay so, maybe I should’ve started Christmas shopping before now.  There’s only a week left until Christmas and I have twelve cousins to buy for, plus I’ve had six coworkers give me gifts already meaning I’m obligated to go out and find something for them before they take their holidays.  Plus, I’m having my in-laws over for dinner on Christmas Eve and I haven’t picked up a mop or broom yet.  There’s too much to do and not enough time!  Forget it, Christmas is cancelled this year.

Acceptance
You know what?  Who cares if I don’t get everything done before Christmas?  Some people can wait until after Christmas to get their gifts.  And my in-laws aren’t going to be satisfied no matter how much I bust my ass cleaning the house, so why bother?  Christmas is two days away and I physically cannot get everything done in time, but I don’t care anymore.  I’m over it.

 Relief
Anything that’s left to do after Christmas day doesn't seem so daunting anymore.  I mean, any gifts you haven’t delivered by the 25th are late already, so what’s another day or two?  Now you can take solace in the fact that it’ll be another ten months before you have to deal with the nuisance of long lines at the grocery store and the shopping day countdown.

Tuesday 23 December 2014

blue christmas

The holidays can be filled with love and joy, but when you’ve lost someone close to you, they can be filled with heartbreak and sadness.

I lost my father just eight short months ago and I am about to celebrate my first Christmas without him.  It’s a devastating thought, and one that I’ve tried to push out of my mind for a long time.  But I can picture my father saying “don’t be so foolish” and then revving up to sarcastically say “don’t smile, now, you might crack your makeup,”  (he loved that one) at the mention of me being sad over the holidays.

So, in keeping with my father’s fun-loving and don’t-let-anything-get-you-down attitude, I’ve come up with a few ways to celebrate my first Christmas without him besides spending it in a dark corner by myself.

Surround Myself with Family
My first thought when I was trying to come up with a solution to surviving this Christmas season was to spend as much time as possible with somebody else’s family.  I figured that way I could try to forget what was going on in my own family and act like everything was normal.  I’ve since changed my mind – after spending the weekend with my brother and step-mom putting up our tree and tidying up the house, it reminded that it’s more important than ever to be around family this year.  What helps anybody get through a terrible loss is a good support system and I definitely have that, so this year I’m going to take advantage of it and spend as much time as possible with them.

Talk About Him
When somebody passes away and leaves behind a lot of loved ones to grieve, talking about it is usually a no-no because the memories are too painful to dredge up and everyone is trying to forget the fact that they’ve lose somebody close to them.  Without accepting that there’s been a loss, there’s no way to move on with the rest of your life.  You don’t have to like it, just acknowledge that it happened.  And then celebrate their life; share stories about them that only you knew, and talk about what you think they’d be doing right now.  I’ll be remembering my father complaining about all the cleaning we have to do before our relatives come over for Christmas, just to have them mess up the house again, and I’ll be imagining him sitting in his lounge chair watching awful 70s game shows while my step-mom scrambles around to get everything ready.  Of course he’ll ask if she needs his help, but she’ll decline, because she knows better.

Continue His Traditions
Sometimes it may seem like it would be too painful to carry on with traditions that used to involve a loved one who isn’t around anymore, but it can actually be quite comforting, and it’s a small way to honor them.  My dad used to love setting off his own fireworks in the park every New Year’s Eve.  He’d collect fireworks from various places throughout the year and get us all out to enjoy the display.  It has been a few years since we’ve done that; as we got older we started having our own plans on New Year’s Eve so we weren’t around.  This year, however, we’re going to set off the biggest and brightest display of fireworks and share the great memories we had of my father lighting the fireworks every year, and be grateful to my father for starting this tradition.

Give Myself Permission to Feel Okay
There’s no doubt in my mind that this Christmas will be sad.  It’s going to be really hard to enjoy myself knowing that my father isn’t around to help us decorate the tree or eat my step-mom’s Christmas cookies.  But there will be moments when it won’t be so bad.  There will be tears, and that’s okay; but there will also be laughter, and that’s okay too.  Anyone who knew my father would know that he would not want anyone moping around during Christmas.  It’s okay to feel sad about losing a loved one, but it’s also okay to feel happy about the ones you still have around you.

Cherish the Ones That Are Still Around
If losing my father has taught me anything, it’s that life is short.  That’s why it’s so important for me, now more than ever, to make the most of the time I have with my family and friends that are still around.  The reason I was able to deal with my father’s passing is because I have no regrets; he and I have an infinite number of amazing memories and inside jokes and I cherish each one of those with every day that passes.  And should I lose another loved one, God forbid, I want to be able to say the same thing when that time comes.  So for now, while I still have them on this earth, I’m going to cherish the crap out of my family, and you should too.

Monday 22 December 2014

rated h for horrible

Nothing gets you in the Christmas spirit like cozying up in front of the TV and enjoying a holiday movie.  Among my favourites are The Holiday, Love Actually, and Eight Crazy Nights.  One would think that with the overabundance of Christmas movies that exist today, there would be enough for everyone to find a favourite.  But organizations like Universal Studios and 20th Century Fox beg to differ, which I guess is why they keep cranking out turds seasons after seasons.

These are the five worst holiday movies ever made. 

Jingle All the Way (1996) 
A salesman for a mattress company is constantly busy at his job and after missing his son's karate exposition, he tries hard to come up with a way to make it up for him.  To placate his unhappy son he asks him is there is anything he wants for Christmas.  His son wants Turbo Man but unfortunately for the salesman, it is Christmas Eve and every store is sold out of Turbo Man figures.  Now he must embark on a comical quest to find one.

I really tried to like this movie.  It's got Arnold Schwarzenegger!  Usually, the novelty of Arnold in a comedy goes a long way; Kindergarten Cop is one of my favourite movies.  Unfortunately, this movie misses the mark.  The painfully unfunny slapstick combined with painful evidence that Arnold can't act makes this one of the worst holiday movies of all time.

I'll Be Home for Christmas (1998) 
A college student experiences difficulty in getting home for Christmas after being hazed by his friends.  While struggling to get home in time for Christmas, he learns quite a bit about himself and the true meaning of the holiday.


This movie stars Jonathan Taylor Thomas -- if that doesn't send up a red flag, nothing will.  He spends the majority of the movie in a red Santa suit after being left in the desert (oh, college!) while playing telephone tag with Jessica Biel (who undoubtedly hates having this movie on her resume).

Surviving Christmas (2004) 
Ben Affleck plays an executive leading an empty, shallow life with only wealth on his side.  Facing another lonely Christmas ahead, he wants to revisit his old childhood home and possibly relive some old holiday memories.  But when he arrives, he finds that the house in which he was raised is no longer the home in which he grew up.  In habited by another family, he offers a nice financial reward that has the family ringing.  But is this generous cash offer only the beginning of an annoying visitor who's a little too overeager to celebrate Christmas?

More cinematographic despair from Ben Affleck who plays a character with little to no social skills.  Not even the late, great James Gandolfini can save this shitshow of a movie.  An unnecessarily complicated and foolish plot has Catherine O'Hara and Christina Applegate hoping that Santa will destroy all copies of this terrible comedy.

Christmas with the Kranks (2004) 
Tim Allen's character is fed up with the commerciality of Christmas; he decides to skip the holiday and go on a vacation with his wife instead.  But when his daughter decides last minute to come home, he must put together a holiday celebration.

This mess is hard to ignore.  Strangely enough, this movie is based on a John Grisham novel, proving that even a bestselling author can inspire crap.

Deck the Halls (2006) 
This holiday comedy is centered around two neighbours in a small New England town who go to war when one of them decides to decorate his house with so many Christmas lights that they are visible from space.  The neighbourhood is turned upside down as the families try to discover the true meaning of Christmas.

A particularly rancid piece of work, this disasterpiece doesn't contain anything resembling real human behavior.  They take their audience for a bunch of fools thinking we'd believe someone like Kristin Chenoweth would marry someone like Danny DeVito, and our beloved Ferris Bueller plays an uptight neighbour who is cynical and crochety.  It's a downright stupid portrait of American suburbia during the holidays.




Sunday 21 December 2014

stocking stuff

Stockings were always my favourite part of Christmas.  It was so exciting to pick through the stuff and see what surprises were in there.  Even though I basically got the same stuff every year, I was always stoked about my stocking.

The following things, along with a few surprises, were what made up my stocking pretty much every Christmas.

Archie Comic Book
I don't quite know how this tradition happened.  My dad gave me an Archie comic book for Christmas one year and ever since then, there's been one in my stocking.  I don't know if I've ever actually read one before but, for some reason, I still looked forward to it every year.

Shaving Cream
This definitely had to be my mom's idea.  She's all about the practical gifts.  Not that it's a bad thing; it meant I didn't have to buy my own shaving cream for a while.


Mini Box of Cereal
I was always partial to the mini boxes of Frosted Flakes.  I'd never eat Frosted Flakes out of a regular-sized box.  They never tasted as good as when they were in the tiny boxes.  Don't ask.

An Orange
My dad always used to joke about what he got for Christmas as a child. 
He'd say "if you got an orange in your stocking, you'd be lucky!"  So every year, he put an orange in our stocking.  They always just ended up back in the fridge.

Band-Aids
I got a thing for funky band-aids.  Luckily, I could count on getting a box in my stocking every year. 

Toothbrush
Again, this had to be my mom's doing.  It was probably for the best, though, because by the time Christmas rolled around, I was due for a new toothbrush.  I mean, the last time I got a new one was... last Christmas.

Can of Soda
Usually it was a can of Coke or Pepsi.  Pretty genius, actually.  Takes up quite a bit of room and makes the stocking feel heavy.  Well played, parents.

Chocolate Santa
Classic stocking stuffer.  Classic and delicious.

Lays Stacks
Or Pringles.  I guess it would depend on which one was on sale at the time.

Hair Elastics
Probably because my mom kept finding mine all over the house and figured I was running out.  

Bubble Bath
One year it was grape-scented Dora the Explorer bubble bath.  Another year it was fruit punch-scented Toy Story bubble bath.  I don't care what scent it is this year, I just hope Sesame Street is involved.

Saturday 20 December 2014

party (not so) hard

Office Christmas parties can be a good time.  There's food, drinks, and music; what's not to love?  Aside from the fact that you have to party with the people you work with, I guess.  But they're not all bad.  Right?

These are the types of people that you're bound to meet at every office Christmas party.

The PDA Couple
At every party there's a couple who, after a few too many drinks, start putting on a ridiculously awkward public display of affection.  But at a work function, the level of awkwardness is amped up by a couple of thousands.  Especially when it's between two co-workers that you know are going to regret it the next morning. 

The One Who Won't Stop Talking About Work
"So, then he asked me why I made single-sided copies instead of double-sided copies and I said, 'Well, you didn't ask me to make double-sided copies.'  Can you believe that?!"  Oh my gosh, no way.  Do you have time to tell that story again?!  I'm so glad you grabbed me off the dance floor to tell me that riveting story.  Don't sell the movie rights until you talk to me first!

The Inappropriately Dressed Coworker
Christmas parties are a chance to get all dolled up and have a fancy night with fancy food and fancy people.  But let's not forget that you still have to work with these people.  The last image they want in their minds when they see you at work on Monday is your boobs and ass, so let's keep those suckers tucked away just for tonight.

The Old Retired Guy Who Tries to Dance With All the Ladies
I have no problem dancing with anybody who asks, especially if I have a few drinks in me.  I'll even save ya two dances, if you want!  But when you start using drink tickets to bribe me into dancing with you a third and fourth time, there's gotta be something wrong with you.  Not saying it won't work, just saying you must have a screw loose.


The Dirty Dancer
There's nothing wrong with being an energetic dancer.  Everyone likes to see others having fun.  The fun stops, however, when someone starts grinding on the HR Manager.  Even though we know that this may in fact lead to the demise of their career, we wouldn't dare intervene - it's way too hilarious.


The One Who Gets Too Handsy
Once they've had a few too many drinks, nothing is off limits.  They start hugging whoever's around, kissing everyone on the cheek, and playing some people's butts like a set of bongos.  I'm not going to lie, sometimes this person is me. 
  



The Plus One
There's nothing worse than agreeing to go stag to the office party and then someone decides to bring their spouse at the last minute.  You then have a decision to make: whether to keep light on the drinking so you don't make a terrible, sloppy first impression or to just say shag it and go nuts anyway.. Me?  I'd just say shag it and go nuts anyway.  You know I would.

Wednesday 17 December 2014

bah humbug

Everybody loves Christmas; even Scrooge gets into the Christmas spirit at the end of the book (or movie, for you non-readers).  That's not to say there aren't some things that suck about Christmas.

These are things that most people hate about Christmas, but wouldn't dare admit out loud.

Decorating
Putting up indoor decorations is a whole production.  It involves hauling boxes, sorting, detangling, and cleaning the house before you can even start to put anything up.  Worse than putting up the decorations is the entire process of taking them down.  Somehow the decorations don't seem to fit back into the exact same boxes from which you pulled them out.  I don't understand physics, but that can't be right. But I'm super excited to decorate my house for Christmas, no doubt.  I just love it.


Visiting Relatives
Family is great - in very small, infrequent doses.  When you have family visit you at your place, you feel obligated to offer food on top of food and can't help trying to figure out when they're going to leave so you can get into your sweats and watch TV.  When you go out to visit your relatives at their place, you're being forced to eat, eat, eat, and you spend the whole time wondering how much longer you have to stay before you can go home, get into your sweats, and watch TV.  But if anyone asks, we love our family and we can't wait to see them over the holidays, so shut it. 

Children
Kids don't understand things.  They constantly cry for no reason; they're dirty; they require constant attention; and they still have an overall sense of wonder about the world.  The Christmas season does a really good job of bringing all of these things together.  If a child doesn't get what he/she wants during the holidays, get the fuck out of the way because there's a shit storm coming.  But nothing says Christmas spirit like the light in a child's eyes on Christmas morning.  Right before the tantrums happen.

 Office Parties
I'm already sick of seeing these people for eight hours, five days a week - I'm not stoked about having to see them in my free time, too.  The combination of copious amounts of alcohol and small talk with your superiors is just a recipe for disaster (and inappropriate ass grabbing).  If you skip the obligatory office Christmas party, you're a Grinch.  I mean, come on; this party is for the employees to thank us for all of our hard work and dedication throughout the year.  Nope, no bonuses this year, but here's a piece of dry cheesecake and the opportunity to make awkward chit chat with people you would otherwise avoid.  But yes, of course we're going to the office party!  We wouldn't miss it!


Terrible Presents 
The good thing about receiving a shitty present is that you get a crash course in acting when you have to pretend you like it.  Then you realize that this gift-receiving opportunity was a total waste and now you have to think of someone you hate enough to whom you can regift this thing.  I'm just joking, Grandma.  I loved the present.  Like most people in their thirties, I really needed a colouring book.


Tuesday 16 December 2014

s'no problem

There are lots of reasons not to like winter, but one of the worst would have to be driving on winter roads.  More specifically, other people driving on winter roads. 

These are the worst kinds of drivers you'll more than likely encounter in the winter.


People Who Drive Too Fast
For those of you who don't know, a speed limit is the speed at which road vehicles may legally travel on a particular stretch of road under ideal driving conditions.  Take note of that last part.  If the roads are covered in snow, ice, or slush, and visibility is poor, those are not ideal driving conditions.  Therefore, it is a stupid idea to go over the speed limit.




People Who Don't Clear the Snow Off Their Car
I don't care how late you are for work, you're going to be a lot later if you end up in a body bag (too dark?).  Even though it's a pain, clear all of the snow and ice off your hood, roof, windows, lights, and mirrors before driving.  If you don't, you're putting others at risk as well as yourself.  Not only can it reduce your own visibility, ice can fly off your car and hit other drivers or even pedestrians while you drive.  Don't be an ass.


People Who Refuse to Get Snow Tires
Winter tires exist for a reason.  Yes, they cost money; yes, you have to go through the trouble of putting your car into a garage to get them installed; and yes, you could kill yourself or somebody else if you choose to drive on summer (or even all-season tires) during the winter.  Yeah that's right, all-season tires are not safe for winter.  All-season tires do not have cold weather rubber compounds, channeling tread patterns, nor the open tread block pattern for deep snow traction.  You can argue until you're blue in the face, but you will not convince me that all-season tires are not suitable for the winter.


People Who Tailgate
Contrary to what surprisingly seems to be popular belief, rear-end collisions are nearly always the striking driver's fault.  Basic traffic laws mandate a driver must be able to come to a safe stop if the vehicle ahead stops or slows down.  Even in perfect weather conditions it's important to keep a safe distance from the car in front of you, but this rule becomes critical in nasty winter weather.  It doesn't matter if you're an experienced driver who has never had an accident before, it only takes one patch of ice or mushy snow piled up to create a problem and leave you without enough room to slow down or maneuver out of a collision.



People Who Rely Too Heavily on Their Brakes

It's a knee-jerk reaction to slam on the breaks to avoid a bad situation on the road.  In the winter, however, slamming on your breaks will only hurt the situation.  Slippery roads require more careful braking and require you to start braking much earlier than you would on a dry road.  Don't be stupid; pay attention so you won't have to slam on the brakes.  Candy Crush can wait.


Monday 15 December 2014

crappy holidays

Spirits are generally high around the holidays.  Everyone's in a good mood, love is flowing out of every orifice, it's a good time.  Given all that, you know there's gonna be those people who just have to piss all over that joy.

These are those people. 


The Person Who Dresses Up Their Pet
I'm so not on board with the whole "fur babies" phenomenon.  I'm all about loving your pets, I just had to give away my cat and I cried to break my heart, but I'm still aware that my cat was not my child.  In my opinion, dressing your animal up in a Christmas sweater makes you seem like a nutter butter.  Your dog is already cute enough (and warm enough) without having to wear an itchy, confining dog-sized straight jacket.



The Person Who Puts Up Their Tree in November
Christmas is exciting, I get that, but the first day of Christmas isn't actually until December 25, meaning the 12 Days of Christmas run from December 25 to January 5.  So, you'll imagine my confusion when someone has their tree up and decorated the first week of November and by January 2nd it's face down in their driveway ready to be hauled to the dump.  The same goes for Christmas music - when I walk into a shopping mall on November 1st and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is blaring over the speakers, it makes me want to boycott Christmas.


The Person Who Hates Secular Christmas
I am not one to bash anybody's religion; I think people should be able to practice whatever religion they like - just don't shove it in my face.  If you put up a life-sized nativity scene on your front lawn, that's super.  It really doesn't make a difference to me.  But if I decide to put a star on the top of my Christmas tree instead of an angel, please do not scoff at my decision.  I know you have your own definition of what you believe is the true meaning of Christmas, but I do not need a lecture.  For the record, historians have been speculating for years that Jesus was actually born in the spring. WHAT NOW?!


The Person Who Gets a Gift for Everyone
It's awesome to know someone who wants to spread the Christmas spirit to everyone they know, but we all work with that one person who goes out and buys everyone in the office a $2 Christmas ornament forcing us to dart out to the mall and pick something up for them before they go on holidays so we don't spend the entire Christmas vacation feeling like an asshole.


The Person Who Never Chips in on Gifts
When there's a collection going around to get a gift for your boss/secretary/whomever, there's always that person who doesn't contribute because he/she decided to get their own gift for this person.  Why?  Who knows.  Maybe so that they'll stand out in that person's mind as the only one who got them a personal gift.  Maybe because they think that person will appreciate a marked-down box of Pot of Gold more than their contribution of $10 to round a gift card up to an even $100.  Either way, get a life.

Sunday 14 December 2014

that's a wrap

Christmas seems to lose its luster as you get older where presents are concerned.  As a kid it's near impossible to sleep on Christmas Eve due to the excitement of Santa and the presents waiting for you under the tree when you wake up on Christmas morning.  Still, there are those gifts that you just want to set fire to and watch as they burn down the house.

These are the worst kinds of Christmas gifts you could possibly give a child.

Clothes 
Clothes are not fun.  I'm pretty sure if it were up to most kids, they wouldn't even wear clothes.  Clothes are the type of present you get from your Godmother because your parents told her "he needs new pants".  There's nothing more disappointing than grabbing a gift from under the tree with your name marked on it and then discovering that it's one of those two-piece gift boxes.  You know before you even open it that it's a shitty sweater or worse, an underwear set.  Unless there's a puppy wrapped up in that sweater, your kid don't want it.
  
 School Supplies 
Thanks, mom.  I love my new pencil case and travel-sized three-hole punch.  I'm super grateful that you've managed to get me to think about school right now while I'm enjoying my Christmas holidays away from that hellhole.  I can't wait to get back there and try out my pocket calculator and mini stapler.  Much appreciated.

Batteries 
What a copout this is.  You're just after opening a kickass, battery-operated Optimus Prime action figure and upon reading the package you discover that batteries are not included.  Not a big deal, there are more presents to be opened!  You reach under the tree and grab another package addressed to you and you tear off the paper uncovering a package of batteries.  Okay, cool, I can use these for my Optimus Prime.  Wait... these were wrapped up.  Does that mean that these are supposed to count as an actual present?  You mean, in place of a battery-operated Megatron that I could've used in some mad re-enactment battle scenes against Optimus Prime, I got a four-pack of AA batteries?  What a crock.
  

Gifts That Are Actually For The Parents 
I don't remember including a hamper in my letter to Santa.  Nor did I ask for a hand vacuum.  I think my parents are trying to tell me something...

Fruit 
For some reason there are parents out there who are obsessed with using fruit as a stocking stuffer.  I don't know if it's to try and force their kids to be healthy or if it's a cheap way to take up room in the stocking or maybe it's a bit of both. It's pretty disappointing to reach into your stocking and feel the hard, traitorous peel of an orange.  Maybe you convince yourself that it's just a bouncy ball, but then you pull it out and that cruel orange bastard is staring you right in the face.  Thanks for the Vitamin C, parents.  It's just what I wanted.

Saturday 13 December 2014

ho ho no

Christmas is a magical time.  There are lots of treats to enjoy and good times to be had.  Like everything else, there are those people that end up ruining it for the rest of us by practicing the worst and dumbest Christmas traditions ever.

There are five Christmas traditions that need to go back to the depths of Hell from which they came.
 
1. Mistletoe
In theory, mistletoe seems like a romantic holiday tradition.  You've been chasing that guy all year and you accidentally bump into him underneath the mistletoe at your friend's holiday party, your eyes lock and the rest is history.  Real life, however, is not so serendipitous.  Chances are, if you end up meeting somebody under the mistletoe, it's going to be the last person in the world you want to mack on.  The only people who play by mistletoe rules are drunk coworkers and weird uncles.

2. Black Friday
Perhaps the worst holiday tradition.  People wake up at 5am to stand in line for two hours in order to buy something that you never needed in the first place at a price that is still ridiculous despite the "markdown".  Most of the low prices that are available on Black Friday last long after Black Friday is over.  Here's a little tip for you: a sale that convinces you to buy something that you wouldn't have purchased otherwise is not actually a good deal.

3. Fruitcake
Who invented this dark, heavy brick of dried berries?  Someone actually sat down one say and said, "I have some dark rum, molasses, currants, and all these dried cranberries.  I think I'll make a cake."  Eating fruitcake is the equivalent of eating an oatmeal raisin cookie when you think it's a chocolate chip cookie.  Cake is supposed to be sweet, and delicious, and invoke childlike joy when consumed.  Fruitcake just invokes anger and dry heaving.

4. Christmas Photo Card
The thing about Christmas cards is you get to throw them away when the season is over.  When somebody gives you a Christmas card with photo of their family on the front, throwing it away doesn't seem...kosher.  The worst kinds of Christmas photo cards are the ones with a couple and all of their pets.  "Merry Christmas from John, Sally, and Rover!"  No.  Your dog is not wishing anyone a Merry Christmas.  Your dog does not know what Christmas is.  Your dog does not understand why you dressed him in a red vest and pointed a silver rectangle at him.

5. Rope Lights
Ugly, ugly, ugly.  I don't know what genius came up with rope lights as a Christmas decoration, but I definitely hope they've since been fired.  You can't hang them from anything like normal Christmas lights, if one of the bulbs goes out you have no way of replacing it, and they come in colors like blue and yellow (what the hell is that?!).  The only use I can think of for rope lights is to use them to tie up the guy who invented them, and then beat him to a pulp.



Friday 12 December 2014

winter blues

Winter is terrible.  Unfortunately for us Canadians, winter takes up almost half of our year.  It’s essentially November to March.  Sometimes we get snow in October and then again in April. It’s. The. Worst.  In case you forgot why winter is so awful, I’m here to remind you.


Shoveling.  Then shoveling again.

Yea, I know it’s exercise, but it’s exercise that I don’t want.  Not that I want any kind of exercise… I’m lazy.  Snow is so heavy.  And cold.  You get all bundled up to go shoveling, then you get too warm because it’s actual work so then you gotta unpeel your layers.  Then your shovel hits a chunk of ice and the handle jabs you right in the gut.  Then the plow comes down your road and you get to do it all over it.  It’s so happy.


People Forget How to Drive

It’s not enough to get snow tires on your car; you actually have to use common sense when driving in the winter.  My dad always used to say, “I don’t know why it’s called ‘common sense’ because it’s not very common.”  B’ys still speed across the parkway when it’s snow laden, end up fishtailing and/or getting in an accident, then get pissed off because “the roads aren’t plowed well enough.”  You wanna yell at someone?  Go find Mother Nature.  I’d bet she’d bitchslap ya.


It’s Dark

In the winter you go to work in the dark and you come home in the dark.  It’s depressing.  I don’t like fish; I rely on the sun to give me my Vitamin D. 


It’s Cold

Who likes being cold?!  No one, it sucks!


Salt Stains

Every year, without fail, when I buy a new pair of [cute] winter boots, within the first week they’re covered in salt stains.  Then I gotta use a toothbrush dipped in vinegar and water to clean the salt stains.  Then my boots smell like fish and chips for the rest of the season.


Having to Dress in Multiple Layers

Getting bundled up to go out in winter is a lot of work.  Coats, sweaters, mittens, hats, scarves, etc.  By the time you get where you’re going, you’re sweatin’ up a storm and your hair is matted to your head.  It’s really a stylish look.  I just love it.


Dry, Itchy Skin

Every year at the start of the season I’m convinced I have fleas.  My skin gets so itchy, it’s almost unbearable.  I’ve often contemplated picking up a flea collar at PetSmart.  I might get some weird looks…


No More Dresses

I love my dresses; I wear dresses all the time, but they’re not super winter friendly.  I could pair them with leggings, but leggings aren’t known to be very warm.  So in the winter I’m stuck to my jeans and tees.  The poor people around me are deprived of my bright, quirky style in the winter, it’s really a shame.


Having to Leave Your Warm Bed/Shower

THIS IS THE WORST.  I can’t count how many times I’ve been late for work this week because I didn’t want to leave the warm air pockets of my bed (I hope my boss isn’t reading this).  Waking up for work is already on my list of least favourite things, having to do it in the winter just bumps it up to the top of that list.


Sickness

Aside from snow a
nd Christmas carols, winter also brings with it many colds and flus.  Who doesn’t love all that snottin’ and sneezin’ and listening to other people suck back phlegm?  It’s my favourite part of the holidays.


Thursday 11 December 2014

all i want for christmas...

The holidays are S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.  (That spells stressful).  Shopping malls are getting more and more crowded, prices are climbing higher and higher, and it seems like after all that, we end up not having the time to spend with our loved ones which is the whole point of Christmas in the first place.  If the only thing on your letter to Santa is a stress-free Christmas, here are some tips on cutting down stress in case Santa Claus doesn't deliver.

Secret Santa

Trying to figure out what to get for someone is extremely taxing.  Between wading through crowds, trying to bargain shop, and attempting to pick out something that isn't going to be re-gifted, it sometimes seems easier to just skip Christmas.  Whether it's between your large (or small) group of friends, your family, or your coworkers, you can cut down on a huge chunk of the stress associated with gift giving by simply picking a name from a hat and only committing to shop for one person.  Nowadays if somebody wants something, they just go ahead and buy it for themselves.  They don't want a bunch of junk coming at them from all angles just because gift giving has become a necessary part of Christmas.  After the New Year, spring cleaning is just around the corner - it'll be much easier with less junk lying around.


Shop Online

The idea of making purchases online freaks a lot of people out, but as an avid online shopper I've gotta tell ya that it's a far less stressful alternative to mall shopping.  Just look up reviews on the website before you purchase anything and check out shipping costs before you submit your order.  Most online stores have a live chat function where you can ask questions to a customer service representative and they can lay all your worries to rest.  You can also find a lot of good deals online, so in addition to saving you from pulling your hair out, it'll save you some dollars too!


Ask for Help/Delegate

Stressed to the gills?  Don't be afraid to ask for help or pass off a task or two to somebody else.  Anybody can run to the post office; bribe your teenager into delivering mailing the Christmas cards by offering to let them borrow the car for a few hours.  Or gather your friends around to have a beer and wrap gifts for your family.  Attempting to do everything yourself is a recipe for cardiac arrest.


Have a Potluck

Christmas dinner is a huge project.  It owns you for the entire day.  Instead, invite family over on the condition that they each bring one dish!  It's the holiday season; it's the time for sharing!  So, share the stress!  Not only will it help to decrease the pressure of taking on an entire dinner by yourself, it'll help cut out a lot of the cost too!


Know When to Stop


Set a day for you to stop with your holiday prep and just relax and enjoy the time with your family.  There is so much to do and Christmas day is going to come whether you're ready for it or not (and chances are, you won't be).  Just, try not to worry about it.  Remember, Christmas is your holiday too.

Wednesday 10 December 2014

rah! rah! rah!

I attended my first Ice Caps game last night.  Before that, I hadn't been to a hockey game since we had the St. John's Maple Leafs.  What the hell, right?

All in all, the game was fun; it was a bit of a nail biter and damn do I love me some Buddy the Puffin.

Of course, my experience did not come without an interesting variety of fans.

I encountered: 

1. The hacking, coughing, wheezing guy

If you have a cold, stay home, I'm sure your tickets won't go to waste.  Or at the very least, bring some water and a cough drop.  I do not appreciate having to comb your snot and spit out of my hair.

2. The "SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!" guy

I'm quite confident that the players on the ice know the object of the game.  I also highly doubt that they can hear what you're saying to them.

3. The concession stand hero

This donkey gets up at least four or five times in the run of just one period.  He squeezes past everyone in the row so that he can go get some popcorn.  Then a hot dog.  Then some nachos.  Then a beer.  Then some cotton candy?  Why not.

4. The overly enthusiastic kids

I love child sport fans; I think they're super cute, and I'm all for enthusiasm.  I have no problem with you trying to get the crowd to chant with you.  However, when it's the fourth time you've starting chanting "GO CAPS, GO!" and still, nobody has joined in, give it a rest. 

5. The women who stands in the aisle to talk to her coworker

Missus, I'm trying to get to my seat and you're standing on the steps chatting about how long it took you the mop the floors today?  You're thirty seconds away from getting drop kicked.

6. The oblivious girlfriend who won't stop asking questions

I don't know a whole lot about hockey, so I do ask a few questions. You know, "why did he just blow the whistle?", "what determines when someone gets a penalty shot?", stuff like that.  What annoys me is: "why did he do that?", "what just happened?", "what are they doing now?"  Well missus, I got a question for you: WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?


7. The drunk 

Pretty self explanatory.  Too many beers.  Gets a little rowdy.  Starts shouting at people about cats.  And peanut butter.  Whatever.





8. The shit disturber 

This angel wears the other team's jersey, cheers for the other team, and boos when the home team scores a goal.  Kid's gonna get his ass kicked one of these days.

9. The fashionista

T-shirts and jeans aren't good enough for this diva.  She comes to the game in her little black dress and her sealskin boots.  I don't know why this bothers me so much.  It just does.

10. The whistler 

There cannot be a more annoying sound in the universe.  Especially the fingers-in-mouth whistle.  It's worse than nails on a chalkboard.  Just clap like a normal person.

Tuesday 9 December 2014

first world problems

First World Problems: problems from living in a wealthy, industrialized nation that 'third wordlers' would probably roll their eyes at (courtesy of urbandictionary.com)

It's growing meme and yeah, sometimes it's funny.  Like, "aw crap, I don't know which 20-carat diamond encrusted platinum ring to buy."

Some things that people complain about, though, that they deem as first world problems, really piss me off.  The following are ridiculous complaints that I've actually heard come out of someone's mouth. There are a lot so, strap in.

"My wallet is too fat and it won't fit in my pocket"

"My smart phone takes three too long to load Candy Crush"

"I can't fit any more food in my fridge"


"My free coffee doesn't taste very good"

"I asked for a medium cappuccino but they gave me a large, it's going to get cold before I can drink it all"

"The free WiFi in this place is so slow"


"My parents what to know what I want for Christmas but I can't think of what to ask for"

"I have too many gift cards and I don't know what to buy with them"

"I won a free case of Pepsi but I drink Coke"

"My dishwasher is broken so I have to wash my dishes by hand"

"I finished the TV show I was binge-watching; now I have nothing to do with my time"

"My iPod has too many gigs; there aren't any more songs I want to download"


"My boyfriend is too obsessed with me"

"I went to the doctor and I had to wait an hour" (for my free healthcare)

"I'm hungry, but I don't like any of the food in my house"

"I can't find my remote control and I don't want to get up to change the channel"

"I forgot to take a picture of my meal and post it to Instagram before I started eating"

"Netflix doesn't have commercials so now I don't know when to go use the bathroom"


"My power went out temporarily and my iPad wasn't charged"

"My family can't fit all of our cars in the driveway"

"I'm really thirsty, but I'm out of bottled water and I don't like tap water"

"Gas prices have dropped but I just filled up my tank yesterday"

"I have too many PS3 games so I can't decide what to play"

"I forgot to bring my phone to the bathroom; now I have nothing to do while I poop"


Just to add some perspective, here are some actual third world problems

22,000 children die each day in third world countries due to poverty

More than a billion people in third world countries do not have adequate access to clean drinking water

A quarter or more of the entire human population lives without electricity at all

More than half the population of all developing nations in the world depends on farming for survival

More than 800 million people have no access to health care

More than 870 million people in the entire third world population have no food to eat or a very precarious food supply



So, go ahead and complain to me about your phone battery dying.  And watch me punch you in the face.